How to lose weight and alienate people

Losing weight can be hard work, but it can be made easier when you base your identity and existence around it.
If you aren’t sure how to do this, don’t worry, I’ve created an easy six-step guide.
Step one:
Pick a cult-like diet, any diet can work, but the more extreme the better. Paleo, vegan, low carbohydrate, ketogenic and detox are all good choices.
Step two:
Find a guru or book dedicated to the science or pseudoscience of your diet. Memorise all the amazing benefits of your diet and the downsides of not following your diet. (this is essential for later steps).
Step three:
Fervently explain the benefits of your diet to everyone. Silence is the enemy. Remember your new diet and lifestyle is unique with special benefits everyone loves to hear about.
Step Four: 
Instagram, Instagram and more Instagram with a dash of Facebook. If you don’t take pictures of your new lifestyle, how will people know what you are doing? In-fact how will you know? Remember the age-old adage, “If you eat food without sharing a photo of it, did it really happen?” This might seem a lot of effort, but without consistently putting pictures up of what you eat, the exercise you are doing and how amazing you feel. It’s hard to alienate all your friends. Consistency is king here. If you only see your friends occasionally, it’s hard to annoy them daily, unless you’re performing regular social media updates. So remember, share, share, share.
Step Five:
Now you’ve started to build a profile and made it clear what you are about, it’s time to criticise and judge everyone else. Without this step, it can be difficult to truly lose all your friends. You need to really preach the benefits of your new lifestyle and let everyone else know how bad their way of life is.
Step Six:
Fall of the wagon. Although this sounds like failing and that maybe your new lifestyle has some flaws making it unstainable. This couldn’t be further from the truth. In-fact your diet is so effective you can’t wait to “get back on it” feel amazing and finally lose the weight you’ve gained back from eating ‘normally’. This final step should be a continues cycle lasting around 3-4 weeks.
That’s it, a simple six-step guide.